A Most Challenging Question
My youngest daughter Sara surprises me often. This time her surprise reflected in asking me a most challenging question. With a “tricky smile” she asked me “Dad, you think I can convince you to pay for my lawyer who oversees accusing you of being a difficult father so that he may send you to jail?”
I pondered on this question. Is there a room for negotiation to lower her demand? The gap between my BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement) is big. As much as I try to lower her BATNA it shall remain outside the zone of possible agreement. Maybe I could tempt her with another alternative. So, I decided to tempt her by suggesting to her that I would buy her a car if she would drop her case. With a mocking smile she replied “No, because I want to test my power of persuading you to accept my suggestion”.
This is a funny scenario. However; thinking about it I found that we learn a lot from scenarios that take us to the extreme. We learn, for example, that we should be skeptical about claims that seem too good to be true and investigate them closely. The same thinking should be extended to extreme demands that couldn’t be true.
I decided to surprise my daughter by using the opposite strategy. In negotiations, if one side is If hard then be soft. This makes the tough negotiator feels he failed in his strategy. I played the role of a submissive who would yield to her request. I felt my daughter softened her voice and got a little confused whether to keep her initial demand or not. I felt that she fell in her emotional chaos; yet she pretended that her request was the same.
I then resolved to using the technique of imagining an audience. I told my told imagine me in the court and the audience eyeing you and me and asking what kind of relationship you and I have. My daughter started some nervous movement imagining the situation. She didn’t retreat from her demand, but I could see hesitation in her face. She managed to hold herself by saying that even though I try to show strength in my weak case or trying to expose her weakness where she is strong isn’t going to help my case.
I then considered meeting my daughter’s imaginary threat with an equal threat. I opted out not from using this option because this doesn’t work. This is in violation of the opposite strategy and I thought I would be better off not using it.
One other option I had was Present multiple equivalent offers simultaneously (MESOs). I tried by offering my daughter a trip to Germany, by buying her a nice gift and other offers. She remained anchored to her demand that she could take me to trial and that I should pay for her lawyer. The young generation is getting harder to bribe or soften. I don’t know if this is a common and true somewhere else.
I need to have the self-esteem to understand what is being asked my daughter is not to my interest. But she is playing her “game” right by capturing my great love to her. Would she make the same “deadly offer” if I weren’t her father?
If you were in my position what would you do?
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التعليقات
Cyndi wilkins
منذ 5 سنوات #32
Ha ha!!! I love that response Lisa Vanderburg...I would have played the dementia card..."Who are you??...I don't have a daughter;-)" Lol!
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #31
Your words are powerfully emotional. Thank you Joannie Fischer
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #30
Words dictate our thoughts and our thoughts guide our actions. Very nice comment from you my friend Daniel Alejandro Mart\u00ednez Rodr\u00edguez
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #29
Thank you my friend
Bill Stankiewicz
منذ 5 سنوات #28
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #27
It amazes me the possibilities that exist and you offer a new one CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit. No comment mentioned your acceptance of going to jail and then the daughter shall find that she shall do all can to release the father. Fresh thinking. Yes, another valid point you bring to the discussion is resilient parenting. If I borrow Nassim Taleb' s word I would say Antrifragile parenting.
CityVP Manjit
منذ 5 سنوات #26
CityVP Manjit
منذ 5 سنوات #25
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #24
New angle for discussions and I thank you Brian McKenzie for suggesting it. Being a father of Sara, with whom I have the healthiest and purest relationship this scenario of yours would never cross my mind. As far as it is removed from reality in my case, it could easily apply in other cases.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #23
Thank you dear Debasish Majumder and I enjoyed reading your comment, even though you made me wonder by saying it is mainly men who try to keep the status quo. For me, status quo is an zone of comfort and both male and female aspire to keep it. You must have reasons for stating that men are more inclined to keep this status than women.
Debasish Majumder
منذ 5 سنوات #22
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #21
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #20
You really dear Lisa Vanderburg reflect the reality between Sara and myself as if you were living in the same home with us. You are very sensible my friend.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #19
friend- I was hoping you would comment and reflect on what neuroscience has to offer in these situations. I am glad you did and you highlight what I described in a previous comment as "passionate logic". Your words resonates so well with me that I thought for a while that the imaginary scenario my daughter put me in is real. I appreciate every word in your subtle comment.
Lisa Vanderburg
منذ 5 سنوات #18
Aw...God love her! Having that rug pulled out from under her returns her to the child inside; hence the need for assured reinforcement. It's the fact that she turned quickly and with such endearing dignity (the clever role play game) that shows not only the depth of her love and trust in you, but also that she is showing her exposed flank with wit and independance. She is very blessed to have you as her dad - I know it's reciprocated! Deep down, we all need to be loved; the irony is it's not simple like it should be..... :)
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #17
I hope that you reveal the reasons for your absence and I hope for good reasons dear Lisa Vanderburg. You prove you read me right and that Sara and I have very special relation. I pondered on your comment. I think deep down Sara has mixed feelings that made her ask her question. Her two daughters got engaged in one week and in few months they shall leave home for a new life. Sara being so attached to them felt the void that is coming. Maybe she was expressing some of her fears that she shall be alone with no sister at home. Sara, cried many times seeing poor people and always rushed to help them with whatever money she has. Emotions play big role in her life. I wish she was at home now to ask her how she feels. She shall be home later today.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #16
Dear friend David Navarro L\u00f3pez- I smiled with relief reading your comment and this line in particular "The same way that the father is accepting the daughter as she is, it should be the other way around". I smiled because I knew this case is far from reality. It was Sara who told me years ago "Dad, because I love you so much I stopped loving you". Asking her why , she responded "because I worry about you all the time. When you travel I feel stressed worrying about you, waiting for your return and hoping your trip ends safely. Your love stresses me dad". I loved the what I coin here as "the passionate logic" in your analysis of the situation. I think your comment is applicable to many of the situations in our lives and reflects your leadership quality that is filled with emotional intelligence. In the case of Sara, the story is different. When she was in Germany for sixteen months one day she booked a flight and traveled to Amman just to see me for three days. She had then to travel back. Intentions and trust made me sure she was only challenging me with a difficult question.
Lisa Vanderburg
منذ 5 سنوات #15
#16 Thank you both Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee for your open arms considering how very unreliable I have become! The reason will be revealed soon, but I'm not crashing on our friend Ali's buzz :) #19 Yes, sons want respect from their fathers; daughters want love. As a father/provider of both and an awful lot more I must applaud Sara! There's no doubt, Ali, that your gracious and humble acquiescing to your daughter speaks of true agape love.
David Navarro López
منذ 5 سنوات #14
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #13
Oh dear Clau Valerio- you have a human heart and you read the scenario realistically. The importance of your writing "Creating a healthy relationship between father and daughter is as simple as spending time together..." is wise to consider. In my case the relationship with my daughter , for me and all people who know us, is based on love and passion. I doubt Sara would have asked this question for any other reason than challenging me with a difficult and emotional question. She succeeded because I shared her question with the readers. But you read her good intentions very successfully even though you don't know Sara. Bravo
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #12
Thank you dear Tausif Mundrawala. You too remind me of a new paradox that I may consider in a forthcoming buzz. It is knowledge that sometimes limit us . This is applicable in my case because knowing very well my daughter limited me from imagining many suggestions offered here and on LI. I thank you for your provocative comment.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #11
Jerry Fletcher- you are a wise man and your suggestion "No, it is not in my best interest so I would never do that but let's talk about why you are asking me to take this public action to demonstrate my love for you." is well-considered. I shall pool all suggestions in the comments here and on LinkedIn and I shall pool them for the sake of readers. Surely, your suggestion shall be highlighted.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #10
So great to read a comment by you again after a prolonged pause dear Lisa Vanderburg. I hope your life is settled and that the health of your husband improved. Your read the case perfectly well and your probing analysis is on the spot. Sara and I have a very strong bonding- beyond imagination and therefore some of the scenarios offered by the readers are not applicable in my case, though very possible in other cases. I surly enjoyed your suggestion of evoking nostalgic memories. This is a great one and I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed every line of your astute comment.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #9
Your scenario is realistic, but would have never crossed my mind because I am fully aware that this situation isn't applicable in my case. However; you stretched possibilities with your astute comment John Rylance and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #8
Very true, and that is why shared this buzz because of the challenging question Sara imposed on me. I laughed when Sara first addressed this question for me, but then I found myself in a rabbit hole on how to answer her.
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #7
You are right my friend Chris \ud83d\udc1d Guest. Sara and I enjoy very specisl bloving bonding between us. I know her intention was challenging me with a difficult question. She did and I had to share her question with the readers hoping for opening new possibilities to answer her question. You read her right my friend.
Phil Friedman
منذ 5 سنوات #6
It might interest you to know, John Rylance, that in Ontario, when beneficiaries to an estate have disputes, the Estate pays everyone's (reasonable) legal fees irrespective of the legal outcome. How nuts is that? Cheers!
Harvey Lloyd
منذ 5 سنوات #5
John Rylance
منذ 5 سنوات #4
Lisa Vanderburg
منذ 5 سنوات #3
Jerry Fletcher
منذ 5 سنوات #2
Ali Anani
منذ 5 سنوات #1