Family Dynamics in Action

Family Dynamics in Action

This buzz is about real life story of what started as a very promising family till…

I am telling the story as it happened, but changed names so as not to hurt anybody. Lisa and David were classmates right from elementary school to attending the school of medicine. They graduated, Lisa with distinction and David hardly getting acceptance grade. They ended getting jobs in the same hospital. They ended getting happily married.

A director of a global medical organization attended a lecture by Lisa. He was so impressed with her personality and knowledge and offered her a glorious job that she couldn't say no to. David with the financial aid of his wife opened a clinic. Lisa moved up the ladder very quickly and became a prominent manager. Her salary was adequate enough to pay for her two kids at very costly private school. David was careless, hardly respecting his clinic working times. His aggressive behavior with patients deteriorated the situation. Finally, he closed the clinic and started political activities. Only to be kicked out from a meeting because he was only a talking mouth.

Can a successful wife continue living with a failing husband? It was obvious to all people that the husbands' role relegated to driving the kids to school and cleaning dishes, paying invoices and cleaning dishes. Lisa accepted the financial disparity for the sake of her two kids. However; David didn't accept it. He couldn't see his wife as a rising star when he was drowned in negligence. Even the two kids realized it was their mother who paid for their fees and took charge of all other expenses. The father felt isolated. He became arrogant, took many decisions without consulting with his wife, became easily irritable became very jealous of his wife. He attributed her successes to pure luck. He became destabilized and then to the destabilization of the family. It was obvious that he lost-self esteem and increasingly felt hat he might lose his wife, Lisa. Increasingly David fell in anxiety and depression. The family dynamics worsened and deteriorated the culture. Life increasingly became unbearable. The negative feelings compounded.

The gap between Lisa and David widened with time. The image below summarizes how the gap kept increasing. The two kids grew up and attended the best schools. They got jobs abroad. Lisa and David lost their last line of reason to communicate. Finally, Lisa couldn't accept any more aggressiveness of David. They got divorced. The sad part was the message Lisa received from her grown up kids. They congratulated her for finally deciding to leave her husband. The kids had no emotional attachment to the father.

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What starts as a small gap unfortunately may end up in a huge gap to bridge. Or, the bridge is too far to make use of.


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Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#70
History has shown us that life oscillates between extremes sometimes. If it is on the positive side today it could swing to the other side tomorrow. Yes, and may be this topic would be your next buzz. It is worthy dear Donna-Luisa Eversley

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#67
"Having some clear discussions upfront may create breaking points, but better than spending years with anger being built. Just my opinion". This is my wisdom of the day dear Donna-Luisa Eversley

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#66
This is a beautiful idea dear Donna-Luisa Eversley. "While it is always preferential to seek the better, one must prepare for 'worse', because it will come"- this is an eloquent way to look into risk management. Even in business- when a business is thriving it should also consider the possibility of cold water poured on them.

Javier 🐝 CR

Javier 🐝 CR

4 years ago #50

Sometimes, leaving a sick person is far better than sticking with him. Fully agreed.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#63
I am waiting for the response of Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee. Estimations range between 60%-80% of our bodies is water. What we throw in rivers we tend to throw in our bodies. This is a new idea emerging. For somebody to throw a pepsi can in water it is he who drank the bubbles and contaminated the water of his body. Careless to the environment is also careless for his own body.

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #48

#61
Better than that - we are made of water. We are not dry of humanity and in that sea we can drown. That is why home is no different to a single polyp of coral. Given the opportunity to grow tiny polyps can become great barrier reefs. As we become smarter about our ecology we will get smarter about our home. The daily practice of living is what is dynamic - that is the value of the link to This is Water - this is where David Foster Wallace was most brilliant, but David Foster Wallace also commit suicide, how does Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee reconcile his particular theory of happiness with someone like David Foster Wallace?

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #47

#61
Better than that - we are made of water. We are not dry of humanity and in that sea we can drown. That is why home is no different to a single polyp of coral. Given the opportunity to grow tiny polyps can become great barrier reefs. As we become smarter about our ecology we will get smarter about our home. The daily practice of living is what is dynamic - that is the value of the link to This is Water - this is where David Foster Wallace was most brilliant, but David Foster Wallace also commit suicide, how does @Javier reconcile his theory of happiness with someone like David Foster Wallace?

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#60
🀦🀷 WOW! So, in big families with so many kids the possibilities become staggering. This is one reason when we have too many interactions on a buzz the possibilities become mind-bewildering. However; my dear friend CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit few great possibilities shall emerge out of large possibilities. One example is water solutions and because of you I am working on it.

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #45

The math of possible relationships is staggering as the formula pointed out in this link http://sfhelp.org/fam/pop/formula.htm

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #44

The math of possible relationships is staggering as the formula pointed out in this link http://sfhelp.org/fam/pop/formula.htm

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#56
There is a big difference in adding sugar to water than adding fat to same water. Sugar dissolves in water and we have a homogeneous solution. Fats don't dissolve and always float on the surface of water. It is up t us what to add to the waters of marriage. This thinking is due to your superb comment Harvey Lloyd. You wrote "We can't describe the points of each in terms of equal but rather how one fills the others weaknesses and compliments their strengths". This is our choice: sweetening strengths and reducing weaknesses or add immiscible 'thoughts and actions" and sour the relationship. As you wrote "The need for solidarity of family commitment has never been greater". Unfortunately, the waters are becoming salty and we make water saltier. The salting out effect takes place and wife and husband separate like oil and water do. I greatly appreciate your comment, Harvey. It is worthy of pondering on for long times.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#55
You fed my heart dear CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit

Harvey Lloyd

Harvey Lloyd

4 years ago #41

A very divisive subject matter. It is difficult to discuss this topic without discussing the values that sustain a marriage. A vowed relationship is different than just being friends. IMHO marriage is not a vow of equals but rather of complimentary. We cant describe the points of each in terms of equal but rather how one fills the others weaknesses and compliments their strengths. In your story i wonder what the answer would have been, if early in the relationship, the wife had been asked, Would you trade your husband for a million dollars? Families today struggle to meet relationship requirements as they serve to many masters. Work, finance and social all pull at the family. The need for solidarity of family commitment has never been greater. Husbands cant be husbands without a wife, nor can a wife be a wife without a husband. Sounds simple but when we make so many promises outside the marriage then what is left for the family? Long before the outcomes you described, each party made a decision they couldn't go with the other, emotionally. They became competitive. Each responded differently to this choice, mentally. Each chose their corner and began the journey of competitive separation. The real outcome is neither chose the family. When i fear my boss/career more than my wife/family, then separation has started.

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #40

#54
That indeed is the problem of underwhelm in organizations that have the potential to be even greater, pure water CEO's get frozen out, sugar water CEO's do not. Then again "This is Water" : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhhC_N6Bm_s There is a big difference between a tree of knowledge and a tree of life. The monkeys on the tree of knowledge can eat what they want, the rare humans who find the Tree of Life is the Tree worth finding and that tree feeds our heart not our mental stomach.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#53
My next buzz following today's buzz on New Insights on HUman Behavior (actually an eBook) will be on "Adapting to Increase our Tolerance Levels". Dear friend CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit- one way trees adapt to cold weather and to stop water freezing and killing trees is to produce sugar water. Sugar water doesn't freeze as readily as pure water. So, I thank you for increasing my tolerance level. I see more synchronicity peeping between us.

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #38

#48
My dear Ali Anani, I am not in this world to oppose or dispose, I want to set my sights much higher visions than that. I only have two words for the limitations that stem from opposing in this regard before I get back to how the best minds make honey. Sugar Water.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#49
In my previous comment I forgot to add two words (men anfusekkum) so it should read as follows: Wa men ayatehi an khalaka lakum men anfusekkum azwajan litaskonoo elayha wa ja'al beinakuma mawadatan wa rahma.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#49
Enjoyed your Arabic quote dear Mohammed Sultan. Quran says it better- Wa men ayatehi an khalaka lakum azwajan litaskonoo elayha wa ja'al beinakuma mawadatan wa rahma. It takes the husband and wife to feel the other is an indispensable part of him/ her so that they may live happily.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#47
Now you wish to go into debate dear Mohammed Sultan. You wrote "The head of the family is supposed to call the shot and adjust the tone and wavelength for the entire family". SOmetimes somebody has to be in charge for things not to fall apart. Again, I expect some opposing views here. This comment is a buzz on its own.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#44
I am in anticipation for your well-thought comment dear Donna-Luisa Eversley

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#43
Dear Franci\ud83d\udc1dEugenia Hoffman would say as he mentioned in his comments our need for "white hearts" to resolve maritalge issues. Thank you Franci

Franci 🐝Eugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador

#38
Ali Anani, you nailed it with your comment that they were too busy to listen. It seems they didn't listen to their heart or accept outside assistance if offered. Marriage and/or a serious relationship is a two-way street. Both have to work at it if they want the relationship to survive.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#41
Dear friend CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit- I have just commented and shared your buzz on sugar water. I understand you better having read this sensible and deep buzz. I fully understand your comment here and sadly I agree with you that most people don't put home at the top of their pyramids.

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #30

#40
Exactly my friend, there are not many mothers like mine, nor are their practitioners like Sara Jacobovici who is also a rare breed - but there used to be and that is something I am firmly believe. You and I cannot repair that, but our society is awakening to what we lost when ran a stream-roller through village life. Not that village life itself is an ideal because a village fight is now extended into global politics due to the fast nature of our media. Yet sadly you are very right - and because this is such a rare thing - you can acknowledge why privacy is such a big deal for me. It is my mother who taught me one big thing, that society in general does more harm to individual homes, than individual homes can do to society. I have seen the truth of that. It is the kind of things that people think and never say. That is why home now and not work sits at the top of my Paradox Pyramid. https://www.bebee.com/producer/@cityvp/the-soul-of-home

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#39
My dear friend CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit- I have just mentioned you in my previous comment and before reading this comment. You wrote "When her husband died this woman acknowledged a frame of seeing that left her with a greater rather than lesser spirit. She said goodbye to the man she loved and not the story that she had thought was the end and finality of her marriage". Just tell me how many women or men equal to your mother are there. I bit very few. With mothers like yours we wouldn't be even discussing this topic. Your mother had a white heart and the color of wisdom (is it violet in your spectrum)? Your mother is of a rare breed.

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #28

#35
There are both common causes and there is chemistry where we can predict an outcome, but I found that in many cases my mother did not solve a marriage crisis by focusing on a common cause but got to the heart of the relationship. This cannot be taught because this is a lived experience that is built of home in a society that relegates home to work we do. If common cause was a panacea to social diagnose, the world of psychology would cure much. My mother helped with an infidelity and the wife was a great woman of absolute high integrity who had zero tolerance for husbands deed. When her husband died this woman acknowledged a frame of seeing that left her with a greater rather than lesser spirit. She said goodbye to the man she loved and not the story that she had thought was the end and finality of her marriage. This is not professional intervention, this is as personal as life gets. My mother did not learn this from common cause, she lives and creates a home and knows what that involves. For her it is not a work order, it is simply a matter of life. I really cannot explain the facilities our society has destroyed. The societal approach to divorce has unbearable scars in it and many lives are destroyed by rigid systems i.e. legal for example. What took generations to lose through the industrial revolution is a slow heal. We are still in "greedom" when we talk about freedom. Of course there are professionals like Sara Jacobovici who engage in wonderful public service, but like my mother they are the exception to the rule. Even if Sara could call on army of public servants, the needs of society are beyond that, unless one day when home becomes life again.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#37
Dear Mohammed Sultan

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#30
Thank you dear Mohammed Sultan. Because I know the couple my understanding with what went wrong is what you wrote. "The more the husband felt unworthiness,the more he felt jealousy,and the more he dwelt in a low self -esteem feeling,and so had a feeling of losing his value in the eyes of the children who were supposed to be a "safety valve" to maintain their dad and mom relationship".

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#32
First, I want to thank you dear CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit for the link of the hilarious video. You put a smile on my face. Every marriage is unique- true.However; you may agree with me my friend that there are common causes for failing marriages. The absence of a wise heart is surely one. No medicine cures all illnesses and some medicine may even worsen the case. White hearts with credibility will surely go a long way in turning stormy marriages into a sweet breeze.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#29
Agreed

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#28
Dear \ud83d\udc1d Fatima Williams- you have a new version of thoughts here. You alert me to an important issue- the successful Lisa had much less stress than the unsuccessful husband. Being in this situation, she could have been more attentive to her husband's problem. This works at the beginning. However; with time the wife gets stressed by the falling character of the husband. Now, we have two stressed people living together. Feelings of inferiority need empathy and patience before they can be bridged. I thank you dear Fatima for opening our eyes to the other side of the problem

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #22

What we are talking about here is a toxic husband and a decent wife. Did you know that the CEO of beBee US was a decent husband with a toxic wife. Sometimes relationships break because there is this unmanageable part to it, that separation is good. These are separations due to extreme circumstances because they involve an insolvable disorder of a good person. When we set up a frame, we get stuck in that frame. At least I want to set up a different frame for myself because otherwise we are simply doing case method analysis and as much as I love the students that give their all in the competition team I am advising, I have compassion that they are being taught a frame that will not make much of a difference in an actual real world of business, it will simply tell them how to win a case competition - and then move onto the next objective. In marriage life the danger with analyzing cases and it gets us further away and not closer to the ideal of solving a marriage crisis. So let me set the frame from the children's point of view as is in this case, and let that frame be "Divorce is Good". What!!! First listen to Louis CK https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rhn0pgbfzf4 Why is Louis CK's account of divorce so hilarious here? Clearly Louis CK has touched something in his audience because there is not only much laughter but there is an identification with that laughter. One of the most marvelous qualities of my mother is that she has been called into mediating failing marriages and she cuts through the case study method of analyzing a marriage and to the heart of the matter. Miraculously these marriages heal and the people in these marriages consequently treat her like something heaven sent. So each relationship is unique and we can make a good relationship worse through case analysis and a bad relationship good through a wise heart. This is not about a failing husband, it is about a failing system.

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

4 years ago #21

#30
That's perhaps what happened. Sound comment Mohammed Sultan πŸ‘πŸ‘

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

4 years ago #20

I don't recommend women living with aggressive husbands but how did you lose the guy you fell in love with in the first place? Yes men change but I am positive about that and so do the women but it takes two people to cause that change not just one.

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

4 years ago #19

Dear Ali Anani I dont like the Lisa in your story or perhaps I'm not seeing her right. I feel terrible for David and wish Lisa was not so careless but had invested some time in her partners interests and choices. I dislike women who put they husband down in front of their kids instead of trying to give him a helping hand. I have no idea about marriages but what I've seen and learnt from endless couples is that 2 people marry and live together and rather than become best friends they end up as strangers or worst with a divorce. When you want to marry a man/women both parties impress each other like heaven in the beginning and then forget about what made them fall in love in the first place. I know a couple the guy flew all the way to another country to propose his love and the girl couldn't wait for just 1 year to get a PR in that country and came back home marry him the same year. They have 2 lovely boys now but hardly look at each other the way I first saw them in love.And one blames the other of the better life they could've had. Catch me giving them marriage advice as if I am an expert. I am NOT. But as Sara says it takes two to Tango.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#26
I greatly appreciate your balanced comment dear Deb \ud83d\udc1d Helfrich. I always expect and understand differences in our perspectives to social problems. However; your comment largely reflects mine as well. As for gender differences it varies with each country. The status of women in some countries raises lots of issue. This is the sad part because people unfortunately tend to forget basic facts. One fact is women are our mothers, sisters and grandmothers. I am happy that you see the differences gap as I see it.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#23
I strongly appreciate your positivity and the way you see women as the "Queen of your universe". THis is a very healthy attitude. The second thought of yours that you treat women of having "true pro human quality" is equally admirable. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#21
Thank you again for your clarification Joris Plaatstaal would share their perspective as well.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

I am so glad you referred to the dynamics Cyndi wilkins. I wonder if marriage isn't genuine partnership if it would ever succeed. I agree with you because I find women very serious about developing their careers. We moved into the age where husband and wife exchange roles and to what extent time shall reveal.

Cyndi wilkins

Cyndi wilkins

4 years ago #14

The dynamic of the role reversal here speaks volumes...You have just described why many husbands leave their wives for a mistress. The attitude among the sexes is changing and women are taking the upper hand in many instances when it comes to the "head of household" role...This is bound to unleash a whole host of skeletons from the "internal closet." Perhaps cleaning house should start there;-)

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#16
Thank you Joris Plaatstaal for your passionate comment. I wonder how the couple managed to get so far apart when their marriage was based on a foundation of being together for long times. I tried to explain the gap that developed between the couple. But you know there are always hidden facts and either of the couple would reveal them. It started with jealousy and ended up in the husband losing self-respect being far less successful in his career than his wife was. When we stop looking for solutions we tend to magnify differences.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#14
Thank you dear Sara Jacobovici for your elaboration. It takes two to tango and to get into conflict. What you said towards the end "turned their backs on each other and each walked towards the opposite side of the bridge". This is what happened, but worse even they collapsed the bridge and each of the "rivals" ended in on the other side of the bridge. Yes, to allow for differences to magnify when it becomes too late to reverse the river is the responsibility of the conflicting parties.

Sara Jacobovici

Sara Jacobovici

4 years ago #11

You produce the most interesting buzzes Ali Anani, am drawn to the bridge. Although we can look at impact of behaviours and say which were more destructive and so on, in any relationship, both parties have contributed to the situation and consequences; Lisa's behaviours may not be considered "the cause" but she certainly needs to look at how her behaviours contributed to the situation. A bridge, for me, infers a potential place to "meet". Each one moves according to their possibility in terms of distance and time/pace. From what I am reading, Lisa and David may have started out on the bridge at some point in the beginning of their relationship, but it feels like they each turned their backs on each other and each walked towards the opposite side of the bridge. Much left to think over Dr. Ali. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#11
Gert Scholtz- I loved the balance you expressed between opposites attract and repel. Apparently there is a "comfort zone" for opposites to attract.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#10
I guess you have an idea for a new poem dear debasish majumder. Thank you for your kind words and sharing

Gert Scholtz

Gert Scholtz

4 years ago #8

Ali Anani A telling story Ali. I guess opposites attract - but if the polarities are too extreme then opposites drift apart.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#8
:)))😜because I am too on the same boat Pascal Derrien

Pascal Derrien

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #6

dynamic with people is not an exact science but I relate to David my wife too is the one with the brain :-)

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#6
This is a beautiful story dear Mohammed Sultan. I urge all readers to read your story. I like the meanings behind each character. For example, the greedy driver made the girl pay a heavy price.He action didn't get him money, weird and exposed the girl to real dilemmas. I leave the rest to the readers for now.

Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #4

#4
Yor so kind Ali Anani, what a nice compliment! Much respect and adoration for you.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#2
I don't know why I opted for the name of Lisa in the story. Most likely, I was influenced by my respect to you as a thinker and human dear Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher. Your comment is the proof. SOmetimes, leaving a sick person is far better than sticking with him. Thanks for sharing the buzz.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#1
Very true what you said in your comment dear Mohammed Sultan "The fool always let their jealousy develops into revenge". In fact, the behavior of the father led to the formation of many gaps in the family. Instead of bridging them while still shallow his behavior increased their depth. Once a person reaches the stage of self-disrespect things shall deteriorate fast. Thank you also for sharing your personal story.

Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #1

This true story began so promising and took a turn which was sad. Im glad Lisa finally left David and I hope she finds true love or pure contentment , she deserves it. Children pick up so much early on in their lives and this story wad proof of that. Thanks for sharing Ali Anani

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