The Home Butterfly Effect

The Home Butterfly Effect

The idea of this buzz was triggered by a comment on LI by James Olcott, MBA. I asked James β€œyour father was a sharp businessman. The question is why you didn't follow his steps? Was it your love of writing”? James responded as follows β€œAs a faithful reader of http://thebernardolcottstory.com/, I am sure you have noticed that I was up against some very strange obstacles -- at least in terms of directly following my father's steps. The fact that he created many of those was both baffling and damaging to me spiritually and psychically. Sometimes your childhood home turns out not to be a good place to be. So my challenge was to find another path with grace and heart. And hopefully with a bit of humor as well. Maybe when my journey is over, you might say that I did follow in his steps, but in my way. And that I did capture many colorful rabbits along the way. While embellishing my love of writing”.

The above exchange of comments triggered the idea of this buzz. What starts small at home may turn hugely effective in the future. Small today doesn’t mean small tomorrow.

Babies find home the first place to socialize. It is their mini world that scales up into the larger world. Understanding the importance of having a great social family life for babies and kids is of paramount experience. No wonder we read about The Family Effect, The Daughter Effect, The Son Effect and The Middle Boy Dilemma. All these effect magnify over time and their understanding is a must.

Let me start the discussion by a simple diagram. It shows the support and demand of parents that parents may give to their kids.

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Before we give support and demand we must realize that daughters differ from sons. Recent research show that girls want love, whereas boys demand respect. The parents should understand that to demand from their sons they need to do so with respect to their will, interests and desires. It is not enough to demand; giving support is equally important. Parents who demand forcefully and without giving support to their sons will cause many problems for the sons, which shall manifest in the future. The boys may later not give respect to others and become demanding at work. Their style of life will be distorted. The actions of today shall have inflated reactions tomorrow.

Daughters need love. It is their priority. The Daughters Effect have shown the future results of extending love to daughters by fathers. The firms whose partners had more daughters hired significantly more women. And they also made more money. Firms with improved gender diversity, induced by parenting more daughters, delivered better performance and higher profits. The authors say that fathers who raise daughters may feel less biased toward women and be more open to hiring them. The reverse is true. This might explain the avoidance of some male executives to hire women. I am sure Lisa Vanderburg and Mohammed A. Jawad will have a word to say here.

That some of our actions may have lagging effects doesn’t mean they shall have no effect; in contrary, they shall have magnified effects. When parents demand heavily and apply pressure on their kids with little or no support the kids shall grow up with fear, doubt, lack of self-confidence and trust, feelings of rejection and feeling they are unworthy.

We may cover the lives of our kids with the clouds of feeling lonely, unsupported and doubt. We need to remember that these clouds rain their lives negative attitudes to life, to society, to the world and to themselves. Is this the respect and love we want to give to their future?


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Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#71
you know your words resonate with me Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher. My youngest daughter is in Germany now. May be also the ease of communication has added to my peace of mind. But mostly due to Sara is a mature person to depend on her. In no way we shall have 100% peace of mind. However; I don't worry at the opposite extreme either.

Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

3 years ago #56

#70
It really is a great feeling when we can sleep peacefully with no worries Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee. I used to worry about my daughter a lot when she was a teen and in her early 20's. I did lose a lot of sleep then because I know females are vulnerable. Happily, they are both married and raising their own children and doing a great job! I'm glad you are very content :)) I'm sure your daughters all feel very special with their dad who is a good man with a good heart.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#69
I assure you of one thing Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher. I am so happy anf contented with my daughters. Not only of my instinct love to them, but also djue to their respect for others, accomplishments and very healthy habits. It is great when we put our heads to sleep in peace and with no worry whstsoever from the kids.

Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

3 years ago #54

oops, sorry I posted and it cut off my comment, so I'm reposting it :) I think I hit enter too fast. #56 I sounds like you and your wife had to create a fine balancing act with each other and raising your daughters together since you both did come from different backgrounds. From everything I've read, you've done a great job raising your girls together. I've often heard it can be hard for a man when he is surrounded in his home by all females ;-) The few photos I've seen of you with your daughter(s)?, I could see the love!!

Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

3 years ago #53

#56
I sounds like you and your wife had to create a fine balancing act with each other and raising your daughters together since you both did come from different backgrounds. From everything I've read, you've done a grea

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

with little edition

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #51

#25
couldn't agree more James Olcott#29 . we were very fortunate to be in our own business, so hubby took off pretty much a year and our kids were a year apart and we took them everywhere: we were very lucky! not many have that chance (cost us a fortune, but was well worth it). to have the father so delighted in his babies is pure blessing!

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #50

#23
lol....i said 'tutelage', James. 'Leverage' sounds so....manipulative...?

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #49

#12
just as well most female-dominant communities are considered non-human...for the delicacy of some males, dear Debasish Majumder!

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#61
Instead of location-location-location in marketing I would say position-position-position for social studies. So, dear Lisa Vanderburg I agree with your finishing lines "Parents never get it 100% right, but starting from falling in love with your baby really helps"! The starting position is falling in love with your baby. Yes, because love at this early stage is felt. Respect comes later as the kids grow up and mainly for the sons.

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #47

#16
thank god for small mercies :)

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #46

#9
#11 if it's of any help, i think good parenting just naturally means that parents adjust their ways according to the wont of their children. my brother has a 21 year old daughter that still sits on his lap in an act of natural love. i sure a hell would not have done that with my dad! boys tend to be more risk-takers; my boys were throwing a football when one slammed hard enough into a tree to scratch half his face off. it took every ounce NOT to run up and help him; he was about 14 and would hate it when i did that. my hubby said 'ouch...that'll smart' and then i could offer him a tissue ;) but all this sort of behavior comes naturally and the game keeps changing as they age; it normal. Parents never get it 100% right, but starting from falling in love with your baby really helps!

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#58
We need your "hands" dear Lisa Vanderburg to communicate your brainy ideas. How about making "voice comments"? This is a suggestion to Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee. Truly, why can't we make voice comments? I agree with you and I thank you Lisa for your elaboration.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#57
Thank you Pascal Derrien for your comment raises new issues. Can parents even if they are "perfect" deal with the issues and threats such as addiction? Social jealousy and drive to cope with the new environments in which grown up kids once they leave home are enormous. Societal pressures may lead even kids who were fortunate to have great homes to yield sometimes. Much more exposed are kids who were not that fortunate.

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #43

#8
apologies Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee, my arm's in a cast so typing is going to be basic. to answer your question i must first say my comments related to how NOT to allow a child to grow to a healthy and functional adult, so the 'daughter effect' refers to well raised women. on that assumption, i'd assume that men who serially are less inclined to hire a women of equal qualities to, say, another male applicant, have a problem with women.

Pascal Derrien

Pascal Derrien

3 years ago #42

I think your questions are relevant with the caveat that it is probably and only applicable when parents are fit for parenting, dysfunctional units don't necessarily carry self awareness or have any appetite to entertain theoretical values as they are way too busy dealing with addiction, mental health or any other issues that life is throwing at them yet I guess your points are valid ... :-)

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#53
As usual, your comments have their special flavor Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher. You share examples from your own experiences. Therefore we believe in what you share and get moved by it. Let me share some of my own experience. My wife is half Circassian. They traditions are different from us. In their societies a girl must be treated like a queen. She must be given love. In contrast, the boys must be horsemen, manhood is of prime value to them. A man must show great respect for women. I have three daughters. You can see the attachment they have for their mother because she extended the same to them. I don't have a son and so would not be able to tell how would she have brought him up. However; I see the value of that "layer of love" covering the skins of the beloved. It has some drawbacks. My daughters are sensitive because they thought people are like mother. They got their disappointments, but learned fast the reality and adapted. .

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#52
Thank you dear Ned McDonnell. Your comment is superb. Not a single human is free of defaults. The defaults of the parents could be "transmitted" to their kids. Your step-wise approach is only logical "Parents shape us and they have their drawbacks, some permanent which create those stumbling-blocks with which each of us has to manage, one day at a time". You remind me of a post that I wrote sometimes ago in which I asked if human were born out of clay wouldn't they suffer the shortcomings of clay? Sometimes we see our parents as angels; they are not. However; I must add that the parents had more time to attend for their defaults than their kids. I thank you also for providing the link to the discussion that involved the initial discussions that led to the writing of this buzz. Like you, so is James Olcott. It is great to get involved in these discussions with both of you.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#51
We may lose respect, but faking it is much harder than faking love in my opinion. I could be wrong.

Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

3 years ago #38

It's true, boys and girls do differ. I have to say from birth my son and daughter differed greatly. I worked when my son was growing up, went to part time with my daughter, eventually staying home. My son was needier of my attention than my daughter. He also enjoyed snuggling much more and a lot longer than my daughter. Looking back, I truly believe my son had separation anxiety because we had a bad experience with one babysitter. Everyone has their own 'space issues' too. My daughter is a lot like me, I need 3 ft of space between myself and others (just guestimating) and my son, well he's still loves to hug others he feels close to without seeming to have space issues. Every child has different needs. Both of my kids are very caring and aren't afraid to show emotion (my son in particular). It's odd, my son seems to be more like me emotionally and my daughter is a lot like her dad... brushes a lot off (even when I think she shouldn't), cracks jokes when it's obvious she may need to talk about something a bit more serious. She will eventually share her deepest feelings with me. My husband worked many long hours while our kids were growing up so they spent much more time with me. I raised my son with the hopes that he knew it was OKAY to show emotion and realize it was also okay to cry... I didn't want him growing up as the typical male stereotype. You wrote: "Babies find home the first place to socialize." Oh my gosh, yes! My granddaughter is so adjusted, she thinks her home is her palace and she is the princess of it. She's not spoiled though, I'm proud that my daughter is able to be stern if needed but she's careful how she uses her words.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#48
thank you David Neal. I appreciate your invitation and support.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#47
thank you Cyndi wilkins. Your comment is so accomplisghed that it stands out. It is so clear that I need onlyvto welcome it heartedly

Cyndi wilkins

Cyndi wilkins

3 years ago #35

As parents, we have an even greater responsibility to do the 'inner work' in becoming conscious of our choices...Our children are our greatest natural resource for the future...and we the parents their greatest 'influencers'...How we choose to shape ourselves has extraordinary impact on all souls in our sphere of influence...especially our children. That is why it is so important for each of us to be of very clear intention in respect to the behavior we project onto ourselves and others...If we wish to diminish fear within the global environment for example, we must first diminish our own individual fears. Teaching our youth about spiritual development at home and in our schools would go a very long way in creating the necessary mindset for the up and coming generation of new leaders in bringing valuable contributions to the evolution of humanity. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle...each of us is valuable in his or her own way...The health of the family dynamic brings health and harmony to us all...This would be a great place to start shifting the tide;-)

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#45
no problem at all dear Tausif Mundrawala. I thank you for your genuine interesr. No friend can replace a father or mother. They have their big roles. It is not producing a kid as much as bringing a kid to life by enriching his/her soul with loving care. I was nust exchanging commenys with Cyndi wilkins on her last and enriching buzz. I invite her to share her beautiful mind here.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#43
yes, not all fathers are the same. Some fathers, as the graph shows, are highly demanding and give almost no support to their kids. They know little about them because they are busy with their woork or "other things". Still; they pass orders such as do this or study this. Little knowledge is more dangerous than ignorance. These parents normally bring kids with distorted personalities. These fathers use punishment and they don"t communicate. If a son can break out of these barriers then blessed he is. I have a friend who delayed his marriage till late for hear he would use his father's authoritanian bring up to his kids. However; he changed completely after he got kids... to the extent he spoiled his kids. He went to the other extreme. Great thinker you are dear Tausif Mundrawala

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#41
this is a genuine feedback dear Tausif Mundrawala. I need a buzz length to respond adequately to your comment. This time I pick this line from your comment. "think it's a constant search on the part of a person to choose what he or she wants to be in life". The trouble my friend is that our childhood moulds our personalities. It may require huge effort to break out of the mold. Parents need to understand this. I agree with you, but would also add that we should be persistent in our efforts to be what we want to be.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee
Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#37
the comment was sent befoe I completed my response. However; you wrote " A loving respectful home is a gift to ourselves". You mentioned loving before respectful. This is in accordanca with research findings that loving home is the prime factor for women. Thank yoh for your involvement in the discussions

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

Your valuable comment and the previous comments encourage me to dedicate a buzz on the topic of love and respect in different societies Joanne Gardocki. It is interesting that respect was the overriding facttor

Bill Stankiewicz, 🐝 Brand Ambassador

Great buzz here

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#33
dearvJerry Fletcher- I fully agree with the second part of your comment. Thsnk you for highlighting the importance of thevearly years of our children and thst we should give them good care so that they may grow up with healthy attitudes to life and otjers. Ad for the first part of your comment I repeat what I mentioned in my previous comment to . For girls love and respect. For boys it is respect and love.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#32
thank you Jerry Fletcher. Congratulations on the achievement of your dsughter. I did not say that eithervrespect or love. I agree fully with you it is both. However; I referred tiresearch findings and I cited one reference in the buzz that girls need love snd then respect. Boys need respect first. Again, it is not this or that; it is both.

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

3 years ago #25

As a girl, I needed love and respect from my parents which I did receive. It is unfair to a girl child to give either one of the two more to the child based on its gender which is the current state of affairs. Apart from giving love and respect to their children practicing them is more important. Because we mirror our parents. For eg., If my mother disrespects my father then I may tend to disrespect strangers who are particularly men! Our childhood defines the path we take during our teens but if we are able to hurdle across the obstacles created or influenced during our childhood with identifying our purpose and passion in life it may be a different story altogether. But yes Childhood play a very major role. The below happens in most families "Parents demand heavily and apply pressure on their kids with little or no support the kids shall grow up with fear, doubt, lack of self-confidence and trust, feelings of rejection and feeling they are unworthy." It's time to live and lead a life of example to our family and the ones around us.

Jerry Fletcher

Jerry Fletcher

3 years ago #24

Ali, My daughter has done well out in the world. She knows she has my love and my respect. Respect is what makes the difference in how she is treated in her current position. Because she is highly effective she was promoted to the civilian level of a three star military officer. Now, every day of her life she must attempt to gain respect from all of those she leads. I'm guessing that Respect is the coin of the realm in the business world most difficult for women to grasp and get.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#23
just to highlight the name of Geoff Hudson-Searle

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#24
every comment of yours James Olcott is a buzz on its own

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#25
yes as fathers usually give little time to the kids. Worse if they are demanding with much leaa support to their children

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#5
the book of Geoff Hudson-Searle for this great comment

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#11
i understand your position fully John Rylance. He mentioned that there are parents who can change their traits and trest their kids differently. I agree with you on this.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#9
thank you John Rylance. Research has shown that girls need more love. Boys need respect and understanding for their opinion and interests. They need recognition of their abilities. You are right for when boys get respect they give love to their wives and daughters. They are not isolated islands.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#12
I invite ladies to respond to your comment dear Debasish Majumder. They have the experience to respond to your great wuestion. Thank you forvsharing the buzz and for your thoughtful comment

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#16
this is a hugely important issue James Olcott. I have noticedcparents who succeeded in dealing with their habitual traits to treat their kids differently. Sadly also parents who failed to do that. Have you published on this? Please provide the links. I am keenly interested to read more on this issue.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#15
I have no doubt that you speak out of experience. Please feel free to provide links to your publications on this subject James Olcott

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#14
yes and youbare cotrrectJames Olcott. The 2nd support should read demand. It is when we do copy and taste that we overlook these mistakes. I shall edit first thing tomorrow

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#13
thank you for you is who triggered the ides of this buzz James Olcott

Debasish Majumder

Debasish Majumder

3 years ago #12

nice buzz sir Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee! enjoyed read and shared. i wonder, how would you justify the features of bees where females are predominant whether rearing, or collecting honey, as well determining the fate of the hives.

John Rylance

John Rylance

3 years ago #11

I'm not sure blaming the parents is the way forward. In my role in helping children with behaviour problems I always tried to work with the parents involve them in the process. It's not easy to be non-judgemental. Listening to what the parents had to say, and asking for their opinions on the way forward, saying intially at first that they knew the child better than I did. In these cases there were three places the butterfly effect could start at home, in school or both simultaneously, as is said where you start isn't as important as where/how you finish. #6

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#7
Thank you dear and you recently wrote a great buzz on this topic. Please share the link here.

John Rylance

John Rylance

3 years ago #9

Two threads of thoughts rise from this post and the comments so far. Firstly in an age where the tub thumpers demand equal rights, gender equality etc., this suggests we should treat sons and daughters differently. Or does it?, which brings me to the second thought. Secondly are in fact love and respect the same. The intention is the same i e to love or to respect are on the same side of the coin, with the negatives on the other. What's wrong with saying you respect your daughter or love your son? To paraphrase the song lyrics " it's not you say(do) it's the way in which you say (do) it"

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#4
Reading your last buss on women's right dear Lisa Vanderburg I expected you to discuss The Daughter Effect and its impact on male managers recruiting or avoiding recruiting women. DO you believe that men who avoid recruiting women would ever stop their behavior knowing that they are subject to The Daughter Effect?

Mohammed Abdul Jawad

Mohammed Abdul Jawad

3 years ago #7

In truth, daughters and sons should be treated amicably by their parents. Perhaps, they may be a little difference in preferences depending upon their roles; however, it’s all excellent treatment from elders that chisel children to harbour good traits and become good adults. Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee Thanks so much for drawing my attention.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#4
Thank you dear Lisa Vanderburg for your feedback. I read your comment twice before replying. I paused on this line "what I'm trying to say is that there's neglect, abuse, terror, manipulation, fear, pain, isolation, hatred, indifference: Just to name a few way parents go wrong". yes, I agree. I wonder if fear may not lead to isolation and isolation to pain. I mean pain grows, fear grows, and their consequences grow. These feeling reinforce each other and with time they become hard to deal with. Sometimes I wonder when we punish bad behaviors that resulted from disrespect and missing love at home if we should not blame the parents rather than the prey. Many questions cross my mind

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #5

I'm reading Geoff Hudson-Searle 1st book, 'Freedom After the Sharks' in which he openly offers his upbringing and the abuse he suffered. Yet he determines to 'make it' in the world and overcomes (clearly....not there yet!). I suspect it was because of the love and respectful tutelage of his grandfather that allow Geoff to 'overcome'. This is a very important buzz Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee; we cannot afford to ruin the lives of our children!

Lisa Vanderburg L

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #4

Thank you kindly my friend for the mention; I just couldn't agree more that in child-rearing, boys need to be respectfully nurtured to bring them to their full fruition and girls need a solid wall of safe love behind their guidance; especially from their father. When these basic tenets fail, the success of raising a fully-functional and grounded child relates directly to the degree of.....you need another box, Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee! I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's neglect, abuse, terror, manipulation, fear, pain, isolation, hatred, indifference: Just to name a few way parents go wrong. The more the child suffers any or all of the above, the likelihood of lasting adult 'recovery' drops dramatically. Unlike known abuse that may be treated by psychology/psychiatry pre-adult, I would think more kids grow up without anyone knowing what happens behind close doors. IMHO, growing to a balance adult is about degree of parental love v abuse.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

#2
I am the one to thank you Brook Massey. Your generosity in sharing your own experience is greatly appreciated. Yes, we all need respect and love- more love for girls and more respect for me. It is a magic formula as highlighted by your own experience.

Brook Massey

Brook Massey

3 years ago #2

My wife and I were having significant marital problems about 12 years ago. Our church offered counseling and gave us the book, "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs," by Emerson Eggerichs. Shifting our way of thinking to the Love and Respect model helped save our marriage. It is interesting and makes sense that children, especially teens, would require the same. Thanks Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee for the interesting post.

Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee

James Olcott- you are mentioned in the given order in this buzz

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